allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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