she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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