if you like me you must not know who I am
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
