I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
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So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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