saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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