peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize