Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
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I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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