She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
