I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
