she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
