my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
