I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
