3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
