I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
