I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
