I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
