Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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