Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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