I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
