apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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