don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
