I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
