We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
