I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
