my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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