I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
