we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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