I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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