Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
