Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
