Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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