I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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