yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
