So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
