also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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