A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
