I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
