dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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