i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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