I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
