I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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