Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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