Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
