Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
