I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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