I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
