I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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