My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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