This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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