i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
