A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
