Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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