My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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